What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One

When we know someone grieving the loss of a loved one, we often want to be a source of support but are unsure of what to say or how to approach the topic. While you can’t take the pain away or fix the situation, your presence is sometimes more than enough.

If you find yourself at a loss for words when talking to someone about a loved one’s death, there are some dos and don’ts to keep in mind as you talk to them. With the right approach, you can help your friend or family member recognize that grief is a gradual, not linear, process and there is no one right way to heal.

In this article, we’ll explore several bereavement-focused questions and techniques to offer compassionate support and help someone address their feelings and grief.

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How to Begin the Conversation

In the first days following death, get in touch as soon as possible. Never assume there is enough support, and you aren’t needed. As you begin the conversation with someone grieving, set the stage by creating a quiet, private place to talk. Project warmth, interest and respect, and consider the following:

• When speaking of the person who has died, use the past tense, use his or her name, and do not be afraid of the words “death, died and dead.”
• Don’t ask if you can “do anything”. That transfers the burden to the bereaved, and they may be reluctant to make a request. Instead, be specific when offering help.
• Avoid judging their healing journey. Let your friend heal at the pace that feels right and in his or her own manner.
• Offering hope acknowledges that there is no quick and easy solution and affirms your confidence that things will get better.
• Acknowledge that whatever they are feeling at that time is normal—there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

What Not to Say

Even with good intentions, death and dying are such serious topics, it is easy to offend those who have lost a loved one. Phrases such as these should be avoided:

• “Everything will be OK.” Everything is not okay for the mourner. Don’t diminish their feelings.
• “It’s for the best” or “It’s in God’s will”. Cliches are not helpful.
• “I know what you’re feeling.” Everybody grieves differently so you don’t know what they’re feeling.
• “Let me know if I can do anything.” Instead, offer to do something and follow through.

How to Provide Support and Encouragement

“I’m sorry for your loss” is a generally good phrase, but it’s helpful to include additional thoughts for more support. Consider adding the following whether you’re speaking in person, on the phone or over text:

• “One of my favorite memories with [loved one] is when...”
• “You, your family and all who knew [loved one] are in my thoughts and prayers.”
• “I’m sending you love and strength during this difficult time.”
• “I love you.”
• “No matter what time of day or night, my phone is on. Please don’t hesitate to call or text me.”
• “It’s OK not to be okay.”
• “Take as long as you need to grieve and heal.”
• “I’m here to listen.”

Practical Ways to Offer Help

Along with verbal and emotional support, practical support can make a real difference at a time when it can be hard for someone who is overwhelmed with grief to think or ask for what they might need. The following are some concrete offers you can make to help during this time:

• Drop off a meal or arrange meal deliveries
• Grocery shop for them
• Walk their dog or care for pets
• Mow the lawn or shovel snow
• Help with laundry, dishes or other household chores
• Pick up prescriptions or other errands

Consider that as many as 23% of adult caregivers belong to the “sandwich generation,” caring for aging parents and their own children under 18 at the same time. ¹ When their loved one passes, it can be overwhelming to maintain focus on grief, end-of-life arrangements and parenting responsibilities all at the same time. Think about offering to:

• Watch their children for a few hours
• Drive children to school, practices or activities
• Help children with homework

Talking Points and Taking Action

• Grief is physically and emotionally exhausting. Encourage them to take care of themselves by eating nourishing foods, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly and limiting alcohol and other mind-altering drugs, all of which can hinder the grief process.
• Help them remember the special qualities and talents that endeared them to the deceased.
• Acknowledge that pain is a part of the grief experience and reassure them that their pain will not always be so intense.
• Suggest expressing his/her thoughts or feelings by writing a letter to the deceased, God or a higher power.
• Encourage them to talk to someone who specializes in grief or to join a grief support group. Research shows that bereavement support groups increase a sense of well-being. ²
• Suggest developing or getting into routines or choosing a few goals to accomplish in the next six months.
• Help encourage them to do small things for other people to refocus attention from their own pain.
• Offer to support them in creating a special remembrance of their loved one, such as donating to a charity in their name or carrying on a tradition they were responsible for

Grief Isn’t Linear

Those who have lost a loved one often find there isn’t a straightforward path from loss to acceptance. Grief is like a winding journey with unexpected twists and turns. One moment, thinking of your friend or loved one may be ok, while the next, a simple memory can bring tears. This unpredictability is a part of the journey. Research supports the idea that it is common for people to pass through different phases of loss with significant variability.³

Just as life doesn’t have a specific path or destination, grief is also individual. It has ups and downs, surprises, and emotions that may catch us unaware. Feelings of sadness, numbness, anger, loneliness, confusion, longing, guilt and relief are just a sampling of the common emotions your friend or loved one may experience.

Sadness

Sadness is the emotion people most commonly associate with grief. It’s a feeling of deep distress and or ache, that can be overwhelming at times.

Numbness

Feeling blank or disconnected Some people describe it as being on autopilot or in a fog. Numbness can be a protective shield to allow space and time for processing grief. It is not denial, which is when someone refuses to believe a death has occurred.

Loneliness

This can incorporate feeling alone due to missing a loved one as well as feeling isolated in grief, as though no one else can understand.

Confusion

Memory and attention can both be affected by grief. It disrupts the sense of order and established routines. That coupled with unanswerable questions and memory fog can lead to moments of confusion.

Longing

Yearning for a loved one’s presence. It can be something as simple as missing their voice or the smell of their perfume.

Guilt

Feelings of self-blame related to the death or relationship. Guilt is not always rational. “What if” questions without answers can sometimes lead to feelings of guilt.

Relief

This feeling is sometimes unexpected, but sometimes occurs when a loved one or friend has had a long illness. Release from their suffering and struggles can lead to feelings of relief. It can coexist with sadness or any other emotion.

Anger

Anger can be directed at other people for things that occurred before or after death, the unfairness of the situation, God or a higher power, or even the loved one.

Acceptance

While acceptance isn’t an emotion, it incorporates many emotions within grief, including some not mentioned above such as gratitude, into a new reality.

Living with grief is a hard journey and may never fully go away, but it’s easier with supportive friends and family who approach the topic in the right way. Whether you’re offering condolences, words of sympathy or a home-cooked meal, you’ll let that person know you’re thinking of them and are with them in their time of need.

If you know someone whose loved one is facing the end-of-life journey and you’re not sure how you can support them, hospice can help offer compassionate care, improved quality of life and emotional and spiritual support for those with terminal illness and their families. You can reach out to one of our care centers near you today for more information on how to start care.

Deb Gallaher, MBA, MSN, RN, NE-BC, CHPN, is a Senior Hospice Clinical Education Specialist for Amedisys. She has 10 years of experience in hospice and is passionate about sharing her insights on high-quality care.