When we know someone grieving the loss of a loved one, we often want to be a source of support but are unsure of what to say or how to approach the topic. While you can’t take the pain away or fix the situation, your presence is sometimes more than enough.
Help your friend or family member recognize that grief is a gradual, not linear, process and there is no one right way to heal. There are several bereavement-focused questions and techniques to help someone address their feelings and grief.
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How to begin the conversation
In the first days following death, get in touch as soon as possible. Never assume there is enough support, and you aren’t needed. As you begin the conversation with someone grieving, set the stage by creating a quiet, private place to talk. Project warmth, interest and respect, and consider the following:
- When speaking of the person who has died, use the past tense, use his or her name, and do not be afraid of the words “death, died and dead.”
- Don’t ask if you can “do anything”. That transfers the burden to the bereaved, and they may be reluctant to make a request. Instead, be specific when offering help.
- Avoid judging their healing journey. Let your friend heal at the pace that feels right and in his or her own manner.
- Offering hope acknowledges that there is no quick and easy solution and affirms your confidence that things will get better.
What not to say
Even with good intentions, death and dying are such serious topics, it is easy to offend those who have lost a loved one. Phrases such as these should be avoided:
- “Everything will be OK.” Everything is not okay for the mourner. Don’t diminish their feelings.
- “It’s for the best” or “It’s in God’s will”. Cliches are not helpful.
- “I know what you’re feeling.” Everybody grieves differently so you don’t know what they’re feeling.
- “Let me know if I can do anything.” Offer to do something and follow through. Don’t put the responsibility on those mourning.
How to Provide Support and Encouragement
“I’m sorry for your loss” is a generally good phrase, but we encourage additional thoughts for more support. Consider adding the following whether you’re speaking in person, on the phone or over text:
- “One of my favorite memories with [loved one] is when...”
- “You, your family and all who knew [loved one] are in my thoughts and prayers.”
- “I’m sending you love and strength during this difficult time.”
- “I love you.”
- “No matter what time of day or night, my phone is on. Please don’t hesitate to call or text me.”
- “It’s OK not to be okay.”
- “Take as long as you need to grieve and heal.”
- “I’m here to listen.”
Talking Points and Taking Action
- Grief is physically and emotionally exhausting. Encourage them to take care of themselves by eating nourishing foods, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly and limiting alcohol and other mind-altering drugs, all of which can hinder the grief process.
- Help them remember the special qualities and talents that endeared them to the deceased.
- Acknowledge that pain is a part of the grief experience and reassure them that their pain will not always be so intense.
- Suggest expressing his/her thoughts or feelings by writing a letter to the deceased, God or a higher power.
- Encourage them to talk to someone who is specialized in grief or to join a grief support group.
- Suggest developing or getting into routines or choosing a few goals to accomplish in the next six months.
- Help encourage them to do small things for other people to refocus attention from their own pain.
Grief Isn’t Linear
Those who have lost a loved one often find there isn’t a straightforward path from loss to acceptance. Grief is like a winding journey with unexpected twists and turns. One moment, your friend or loved one may be ok, while the next, a simple memory can bring tears. This unpredictability is a part of the journey.
Just as life doesn’t have a specific path or destination, grief is also individual. It has ups and downs, surprises, and emotions that may catch us unaware. Feelings of sadness, numbness, anger, loneliness, confusion, longing, guilt and relief are just a sampling of the emotions of what your friend or loved one may experience.
Sadness
Sadness is the emotion people most commonly associate with grief. It’s a feeling of deep distress and or ache, that can be overwhelming at times.
Numbness
Feeling blank or disconnected Some people describe it as being on autopilot or in a fog. Numbness can be a protective shield to allow space and time for processing grief. It is not denial, which is when someone refuses to believe a death has occurred.
Loneliness
This can incorporate feeling alone due to missing a loved one as well as feeling isolated in grief, as though no one else can understand.
Confusion
Memory and attention can both be affected by grief. It disrupts the sense of order and established routines. That coupled with unanswerable questions and memory fog can lead to moments of confusion.
Longing
Yearning for a loved one’s presence. It can be something as simple as missing their voice or the smell of their perfume.
Guilt
Feelings of self-blame related to the death or relationship. Guilt is not always rational. “What if” questions without answers can sometimes lead to feelings of guilt.
Relief
This feeling is sometimes unexpected, but sometimes occurs when a loved one or friend has had a long illness. Release from their suffering and struggles can lead to feelings of relief. It can coexist with sadness or any other emotion.
Anger
Anger can be directed at other people for things that occurred before or after death, the unfairness of the situation, God or a higher power, or even the loved one.
Acceptance
While acceptance isn’t an emotion, it incorporates many emotions within grief, including some not mentioned above such as gratitude, into a new reality.
Living with grief is a hard journey and may never fully go away, but it’s easier with supportive friends and family who approach the topic in the right way. Whether you’re offering condolences, words of sympathy or a home-cooked meal, you’ll let that person know you’re thinking of them and are with them in their time of need.
